2011 NFL Predictions..ish

By RoyZ

Wait, so…erm, it’s football season? No shit. I’ll be honest, I don’t know NFL football – I’m on the Squeeze Situation for the baseball coverage, musings and miscellaneous (and frequent Yankee-bashing). However, I do know how to rank things based on no previous experience or expertise. As I write this, I have the NFL standings open in a web browser to the right of my MS-Word sheet, because, well, most of the time I don’t even know who is in what divisions or leads. Be prepared for awful pre-season rankings based on my biases against a city’s baseball fans, jersey colours and local delicacies.
AFC East:
New England Patriots
New York Jets
Miami Dolphins
Buffalo Bills
You know, this one is actually kind of easy. The Bills are rebuilding, sports-writer lingua for “shitty”. The Dolphins are not much better. Jets seem to be improving, and growing up in the decidedly Jets-centric universe slash hellhole of Central New York, seem to be pretty good. But honestly, I kind of like the Patriots every season, and the Jets are surely not the Patriots. Tom Brady is the man, and people need to figure this out.
AFC North:
Pittsburgh Steelers
Baltimore Ravens
Cleveland Browns
Cincinnati Bengals
I kind of despise the Steelers, for no reasons more than their ultimate-douche QB and taking attention and revenue away from my beloved Pirates (no, I cannot prove that – but I assume Pittsburghians will purchase a $50 Steelers jersey versus a $175 McCutchen jersey). Ravens seems to be good, but since their Super-Bowl season, are just plain uninteresting. The Browns are getting better from what I’ve seen in my three years of casual and/or lethargic football watching, but the Cincinnati Bengals are a trainwreck. Ochocinco likened being traded to New England as one of the greatest moments of his life. Pretty simple to see that there is nothing positive coming out of the 2011 Bengals season.

AFC North:
Indianapolis Colts
Jacksonville Jaguars
Houston Texans
Tennessee Titans
No idea what’s going on here. Peyton Manning, right? I don’t know the difference between the Texans and the Titans. I think one of them has Arian Foster, and he’s fast. Whichever team he is on will be better than the other.

AFC West:
San Diego Chargers
Kansas City Chiefs
Denver Broncos
Oakland Raiders.
Oakland sucks. Broncos are…I don’t know, something. They have Peyton Hillis, right? He’s better than the Oakland team. Chiefs have some backup that turned out to be super-awesome and all, and the Chargers are pretty good – featuring the Philip Rivers Cuomo Experience. As an east-coaster, these teams get virtually NO coverage out this way, so forgive my ig’nince in this case, and likely for the NFS West, as well.
NFC North:
Green Bay Packers
Chicago Bears
Detroit Lions
Minnesota Vikings
I find it funny that all of the teams I like in the NFL are all in the same division. It makes for having a favorite team to be rather difficult – but one team in the North is always good and always green. I believe in the Packers completely – and they are my favorite for the Super Bowl trophy over the Patriots. That would be sweet, wouldn’t it? As for the others – Orton and “Starts with a C, ends with an O, and in the middle ya got “hicag”” are the #1 threat to the Packers, but Rodgers and company are just better. Factor in my hometown-Starks homerism here for further blinders of what really goes on in the NFL. Vikings…yikes. QB is their biggest problem, and I just don’t see McNabb as a fit – but can stand to prove me wrong with a huge season. As for the Lions, ask Bryan.

NFC South:
New Orleans Saints
Atlanta Falcons
Carolina Panthers
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
This really isn’t worth discussing. Saints lost their first game – but I doubt they’ll be challenged much for the rest of the season. Falcons are a solid #2 and likely a playoff team with Matty Ryan.

NFC West
Arizona Cardinals
San Francisco 49ers
St. Louis Rams
Seattle Seahawks
Umm…what? Why are all the bottom of the barrel teams in the same division all of the time? This is the equivalent National League West in baseball – mediocrity versus mediocrity. Yeah, I could pick a winner, but they’d probably screw the pooch and trade off their best players (I’m looking at you, Colorado Rockies.) My pick to win the NFC West: Charlotte Hornets.
So, there. Take it or leave it, I don’t write about football, so whatevs. Stay tuned for baseball analysis, on this baseball-namesaked blog.

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